SEX and video games have always made strange bedfellows. Most games avoid it all together, some try to be mature about it, but others are feel like they were made by 13-year-old boys who just discover the joy of naked ladies. But then there are those few games that defy explanation leaving you feeling dirty and violated for having just seen them. Here’s just a sample of what’s out there.
Beat ‘Em & Eat ‘Em
(Atari 2600)
Developed by the now infamous Mystique, an American based video game make promising “Swedish erotica video games”, Beat ‘Em & Eat ‘Em was released in 1982 and was as bad a game as it was confusing. The aim was to guide two women with their mouths wide open and help them catch all the falling drops of jizz from a man having a wank on top of a building. Obviously a lot is left to your imagination as the game was, in true Atari style, quite pixelated. But still, it’s hard to imagine who would have green-lit this idea, let alone spend countless hours programming it. Another version of the game was released, but this time around two men had to catch falling breast milk from a haggard old witch.
The Yakyuken Special
Less of a game and more of a “look at naked girls” simulator, The Yakyuken Special is basically a strip version of rock-paper-scissors filled with young Asian women. Once you have picked one the 12 girls in the game to compete with a short video of them dancing like they’re in a bizarre 80s disco plays before you have to choose either rock, paper or scissors. If you lose five times (and you will as the game cheats) you have start from the beginning, but if you win she removes an item of clothing then dances awkwardly for you once more. The whole thing feels surreal and a bit dirty as the girls seem so innocent and rarely attempt to look sexy, or even interested in what’s going on.
Doki Doki Majo Shinpan(Nintendo DS)
Leave it to the Japanese to make something this bizarre and creepy. The 2007 game Doki Doki Majo Shinpan (which means Thump Thump Witch Judgement) has the player assume the role of bad boy high school student Akuji who has been tasked by a young apprentice angel to find evil witches. To do this he find the elusive “witch mark” on their body. Being a Nintendo DS game you get to make full use of the touch screen as you poke and prod every inch of you fellow female students. This may sound creepy enough, but when you consider the girls age range from the ripe old age of 23 all the way down to 13, you have to wonder who would actually buy this game.
The Guy Game
(Xbox, PlayStation 2, PC)
Trivia games for the most part are pretty good wholesome fun, so it makes sense to add a bunch of bikini clad girls into the mix, right? Released in 2004 and slammed by
video game critics The Guy Game gave you a series of multiple-choice questions that both you and a pretty, if often stupid, girl on spring break had to answer. The twist
was that if they get it wrong they have to show their breasts, which were censored of course, but as your score increased the censorship began to subsided until you could finally see their jubblies as nature intended.
All of this hardly makes the game perverted and more juvenile, right? Well there was a slight problem - one of the girls in the game wasn’t 18 years old, which meant the game was classified as child pornography in the United States. Soon after the developer, Top Heavy went under but copies of the game can be found online and in 2007 Microsoft’s backwards compatibility update included support for The Guy Game on Xbox 360. Weird.
Boon-Ga Boon-Ga
(Arcade)
In what must have been a serious effort to dispel the rumours that South Korea is a somewhat conservative country arcade game developer TaffSystem made Boon-Ga Boon-Ga (also known as Spank ‘Em), a game about abusing butts and winning crap. Literally. The arcade cabinet itself features a backside bent over and ready for you to ram a plastic finger right up inside it as hard as you can. The game has eight different characters that include your ex-girlfriend, mother-in-law, a child molester and of course a prostitute to name a few. For their efforts the game tells the player how good they are at bung-hole bashing and reward them with a plastic piece of shit. The game came in 2001, and only in Asia, but that’s probably for the best. On a side note, there's an alternate version of the game that uses a furry mallet instead of a finger and gives out more conventional (but still crappy) prizes. But yeah, it's still pretty messed up.
Custer’s Revenge
(Atari 2600)
Video game developers Mystique were still up to their old tricks in the 80s with Custer’s Revenge, but this game had a much darker, twisted edge. Still angry about his defeat at the Battle of the Little Bighorn (a battle that claimed his life no less) Custer is back with a permanent erection and must traverse a hot American desert while avoiding incoming arrows and randomly appearing cactuses. And what is his reward you may ask? A Native American girl tied to a cactus that he can rape. Needless to say the game caused a lot of controversy amongst women’s rights groups, Native Americans and various politicians. But in the end the developer folded soon after this atrocity, and not a moment too soon.
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